Monthly Archives: January 2008
You imagine yourself well-suited to glamour. You delude yourself that you can hob-knob with gilded socialites. You endeavour to adapt your countenance to fit in wherever you aim to be. And others, with vacuous heads up their own arses, may let themselves be fooled by each veneer you apply. But I always see the real you, and you are a lizard.
I still like you.
I sat in the dust on the side of the road, looking back at the broken down car. No point in spilling the tears that had threatened to spill, besides, it would only panic the young ones. It was simply a time to wait, and this was a wait that would not be fruitless…an easy wait. NRMA membership be blessed, along with friendly folk and their land-line.
“I’m hungrrryyyy Mummy,” came a whine from inside the car. I looked at the small dirt-streaked face peering at me from over the steering wheel and slowly pushed myself up out of the dirt. I kicked rocks out onto the newly upgraded road as I walked to the back of the car. Knowing that I had a link to that road somehow eased things too. I opened the esky and made sausage, cheese and tomato sauce sandwiches for the tired-eyed children. As they ate their dinner, so civilised, plates and all, I sat mesmerised by the dust that was slow to dissipate after a car passed by. I let the guilt slide out of my mind and into the scraps as I cleaned the plates, there was no point in should-haves.
A shudder of boards echoing into the river valley alerted me to a car approaching from the property where I had used the phone to call for help. The car, a brand new 4WD, pulled up and the driver smiled as he stopped alongside us. I was distracted by the smell of the new car as I leaned toward it to talk with the driver. Bright, shiny, expensive and new, the thought of the new car suddenly made my eyes sting with tears.
“Do you need any food or drink?” the driver enquires. I avoided his gaze and swiped at my eyes before he could notice the tears.
“No, thanks, we’re right, but thanks for the offer.” I look up and smile at the driver as the kids pipe up,
“I’m bored! Who is that Mummy?”
“I want to see, can I get out of the car?”
The driver’s smile deepens and a short conversation follows,
“If you need it, I’m sure we could sort out beds for you all tonight.”
“Oh no, we’ll be fine, thanks. Shouldn’t be too long now.”
“Oh, and watch out for snakes, I’ve seen a few lately.”
“Will do.”
“Okay…”
“Okay.”
“Well good luck, and take care.”
“Thank you.”
He smiled again, his brown eyes crinkled and he winked a friendly wink. As he turned his car and headed back to his place, the kids started up again,
“Snakes! Mummy are there snakes?”
“I want to see the snakes! Can I get out of the car?”
I watched the 4WD disappear down the long road back in to the property, the boards shuddered again and soon all was still and quiet, except for the restless kids. I let them out of the car and we started a short walk along the roadside.
“Stay out of the grass, you heard the man, there could be snakes!”
“I want to see a snake!”
“Snakes! No! Mummy, snakes will get us, snaaakkkessss!” they laughed and kicked at the dirt. I smiled at their enthusiasm, kick, kick, kick. Another car passed with a wave of hand, and dust slowly enveloped us.
And it was right there, right at that moment, as I stood in the dust cloud, hand still half-raised, smiling at the small children running ahead of me, that I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I had well and truly fucked up my life. And nothing, I thought, in that split second between thought and ground, would stop the tears. But on my way to ground, as I looked at the blonde-headed scamps stomping along the dusty verge, no tears did fall, and when the kids ran back to me, and grabbed at me with clammy little hands, all they saw was their mother sitting in the dust, on the side of the road that my family had built, smiling for them, because of them, and with them.
In the bush I walked through and around traces of men. I felt the sturdiness of that other time, a time before disposable, when things were built to last, ostensibly forever.
Oxidise and erode, seep nutrients into the bush, as she opens mouth in silence and clamps hands to face. Time, time and still more time.
And when the apes land and cast their simian gaze to where the minerals are deep within the crust, they will note the traces of that other time. And they will hoot and chatter, and shake their primate skulls in awe of the tenacity of these inanimate objects.
