Social constructs
One of my snails keeps making a break from the fish tank. I find him each day in varying locations in the kitchen; floor, bench, sink. But mostly, he heads for the fruit bowl, where he probably imagines his round self cunningly camouflaged in the mound of apples and pears.
In the microcosm that is my fish tank, none of the other snails have made the vaguest attempt at escaping. And so I imagine this snail to be an eccentric, an oddball, a drop-out, who thumbs his pneumostome at tank-society, and heads whenever he can for somewhere he doesn’t have to conform.
Or maybe it’s something even more basic that drives him out out the tank.
“Snail, why do you leave the tank? You know it’s not safe out here, you might get hurt, remember what happened with the cat…”
“Dude, if you knew how oppressive it is in that tank, you’d totally understand. Those other guys, they bitch all day and all night, about you not creating a gender-balanced society, about the limited diet, about the lack of anything new. But do they do anything to change things? NO! Me, I’m doing something man. Besides, I can’t help it, it’s instinct dude, I mean, I’m no hermaphrodite you know.”
“…Shit, are you are telling me that there are no chick snails in the tank?”
“No. There are chicks, there’s Winona and Ruth, but dude, Winona and Ruth are in a same-sex relationship, not that you were to know that, I guess.”‘
“Fuck me!”
“Well, I would…”
“Eewww. Right, I guess a trip to the pet shop is in order, to pick-up some new chicky babes for the tank.”
“Can I come?”
“No, but you can think of me as your nayan.”
“Well, you didn’t choose too well last time, so you’ll pardon my scepticism regarding your ability in that area.”
“You wanty chicky babe?”
“Yes.”
“Well I’ll get her for you, as long as you promise not to leave the tank anymore.”
“Ohhhkaaaay. But what about some girls for Roger, Akemi, Deshi, Tupac and Malachi?”
“Of course…but wait, what about the other guys?”
“Marco and Nick? Oh you don’t need to worry about girls for those two, unless of course you find some girls called Amanda Love and Sofonda Cox,” winks the snail.
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12 Responses to “Social constructs”
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Mmmm….slick gastropod goodness.
Somebody pass me the salt.
That pic reminds me of the time i was in high school and had to dissect a snail. Eurrhhghgh!!
Since about the time I was born there was a tortoise in the family home - or rather garden. He was about the same age as my dad. He’s still living in my mum’s back garden (the tortoise, that is). His one motive in life, when he wasn’t sleeping, appeared to be to want to escape. We carefully blocked the exits, but still he managed to occasionally. He didn’t have a name, but he had a number - our phone number, painted on his back, so when he appeared in a garden somewhere else in town, the garden’s owner could phone that number and we would come round to return the tortoise to captivity.
It hadn’t occurred to me until reading this post that he never had any lady tortoises to play with in our garden.
You really are a terrible, insensitive, snail-keeper. But you take really amazing pictures, and have a pleasingly deranged sense of humor.
Your story reminds me of the giant tortoises at Taronga Zoo. Every time I’ve visited the zoo, (and it has been a few over the years, god I’m old) they are rooting. Therefore I conclude that tortoises are highly sexual beings. Your poor, poor, sex-starved tortoise.
Pleasingly deranged…I like it, I might use that on my CV.
I love when you anthropomorphise (surely that is a word?) these lovely creatures.
Surely it is?!
Hey, wait a sec. How do you know it’s a HE?
He left the toilet seat up AND he pissed all over the floor.
rich, here’s the salt.
jaded, i’ve never had to dissect a snail, rat, guinea pig, fish, frog, worm, bird, organs…but never a snail. Thatt would make me feel eurrhhghgh!!
Thanks for the larf! Fab pics and writing. Love your site.